“Gretchen Crowder!”
Hearing the sound of my full name has always carried mixed feelings for me. Depending on the tone of the voice, feelings of guilt, urgency, or even dread can overpower me in an instant. Like a child back in grade school, I wonder if I did something wrong and the person is calling out to admonish me and issue a swift command for course correction.
But a few weeks ago, I had a different and unexpectedly life-giving experience of hearing my full name called out with joy at just the right moments. With each greeting, I felt the unexpected presence of God showering me with love and inviting me to see things with new eyes.
I spent the weekend in Fairfield, Connecticut, participating in a gathering of directors of the Spiritual Exercises. Initially, I was drawn to the gathering by the simple invitation of my good friend, Elliott, who was on the organizing committee. He always spoke highly of his Connecticut town, and I thought it would be nice to see it in person. But I had reservations about the conference itself. I was a novice in directing the Exercises, and I did not yet feel on equal ground with the group of experienced, life-long directors who would be in attendance. In addition, unlike most conferences I attend that are solely for Ignatian educators, this one was for a combination of people from parishes, schools, retreat centers, and other Ignatian works. I feared finding common ground would be challenging. Still, I signed up and traveled to the conference with all these reservations lingering inside of me. It was shortly after my arrival that these reservations rose to the surface, threatening to derail my experience.
I arrived at the campus early and quickly realized I had forgotten my toothbrush. Checking my phone’s map app, it seemed like a pharmacy was only a mile away, and so, without really thinking it through, I put my backpack on my shoulders and started walking down the road.
The first half a mile was a gentle, easy slope down, shaded by dozens of tall trees. I put earbuds in my ear, pressed play on the book I had started on the plane, and settled into an easy, comfortable journey to the store. It didn’t take long, however, before the gentle, easy slope turned hillier and the trees moved farther apart, allowing the sun to beat down upon my head and shoulders. My less-than-ideal walking shoes started to make my feet ache, and I regretted not doing more research before venturing out.
Spurred on by my ever-increasing discomfort, I started to grumble to God, not only about the physical frustrations, but about all the worries I had brought with me to this unfamiliar place. “God, why am I here?” I lifted my backpack off my sweaty back, grumbling even more about my poor choice to come. Soon, I shifted the blame to God, saying, “Why did you bring me here?”
Finally, I saw the store’s familiar red sign in the distance and trudged the last few yards up to the building. As I neared the front door that held in blessed air conditioning, I heard my full name called out: “Gretchen Crowder!”
It was Elliott calling out my name with both joy and welcome! The sound of his familiar voice filled me with light. It was an immediate antidote to the evil spirit that had been fighting to take hold of me during my walk. Elliott continued, “Gretchen, it is so great that you are here!” The tone of his voice and the words themselves were God’s direct answer to all the questions I had asked along the way.
And that was just the beginning.
Over the rest of the weekend, every time I started to feel pulled away from the joy of the gathering, I would hear my full name called out again. In the hallway of the dorm, it was Sister Joan from my coursework in the Spiritual Exercises smiling big and shouting, “Gretchen Crowder!” in her thick Boston accent. On my way to dinner the first night, it was my friend Ed from a Nativity school in Philadelphia quietly saying my full name in such a way that it gently rose above the bustling crowd of participants and reached right to my heart. Again and again, God called out to me by name, reminding me of God’s promise, “Do not fear… / I have called you by name, you are mine.” (Isaiah 43:1) Each call renewed in me a connection to my favorite grace received from the Exercises: the love God and others have for me, all of me, just as I am.
As I exited the conference to head to the airport, I heard one last joy-filled, “Gretchen Crowder,” this time said with a lilting tone by a lovely Irish Jesuit who passed me a greeting for safe travels home.
Today in 31 Days with St. Ignatius, read The Audacity of Using Imagination in Prayer by Loretta Pehanich. When or where has God surprised you? Share with #31DayswithIgnatius on social media.