More Jesuit Jokes

A VisionA Jesuit, a Dominican, and a Franciscan were walking along an old road, debating the greatness of their orders. Suddenly, an apparition of the Holy Family appeared in front of them, with Jesus in a manger and Mary and Joseph praying over him. The Franciscan fell on his face, overcome with awe at the sight of God born in such poverty. The Dominican fell to his knees, adoring the beautiful reflection of the Trinity and the Holy Family. The Jesuit walked up to Joseph, put his arm around his shoulder, and said, “So, have you thought about where to send him to school?”

HaircutA Franciscan gets a haircut, and then asks how much he owes. The barber says he never charges clergy. The Franciscan thanks the barber and goes home. The next morning the barber finds a big basket of fresh bread from the Franciscans’ kitchens.

An Augustinian gets his hair cut by the same barber. The barber also tells him than he never charges clergy. The next day the barber receives a nice bottle of wine from the Augustinians’ wine cellar.

A Jesuit gets his haircut, and the barber again says that he never charges clergy. The next day, when the barber opens his shop, there are twelve other Jesuits already waiting for him.

The right questionA Franciscan and a Jesuit were friends. They were both smokers who found it difficult to pray for a long period of time without having a cigarette. They decided to go to their superiors and ask permission to smoke.

When they met again, the Franciscan was downcast. “I asked my superior if I could smoke while I pray and he said ‘no,’” he said.

The Jesuit smiled. “I asked I could pray while I smoke. He said ‘of course.’”

Final WishA Dominican, a Franciscan, and a Jesuit were in the same hospice, and all were near death. One evening, the Angel of Death appeared before them and informed them that it was their time and that each could have a final request before accompanying him from this world. The Dominican asked to gaze upon the face of his Savior. In an instant, the face of Christ appeared before him. He was satisfied and felt he could die with no regrets. The Franciscan asked to touch the wounds in the hands and feet of Jesus before he died; Christ appeared and invited him, like Thomas, to examine his wounds. The dying priest touched Christ’s hands and feet and wept with joy, peace, and contentment. Finally, the Angel of Death asked the Jesuit for his final request. Without hesitation the Jesuit replied, “I’d like a second opinion.”

A vocationA mother went to her pastor and explained that her son seemed very interested in becoming a priest. She asked what this would require.

The priest began to explain. “If he wants to become a diocesan priest, he’ll have to study for eight years. If he wants to become a Franciscan, he’ll have to study for ten years. If he wants to become a Jesuit, he’ll have to study for fourteen years.”

The mother listened carefully, and as the priest concluded, her eyes brightened. “Sign him up for that last one, Father. He’s a little slow!”

The Blind GolfersA Franciscan, a Dominican, and a Jesuit were out playing golf one day. They were moving along the course quite well until they got stuck behind a group of golfers who were taking quite a long time and weren’t letting anyone else play through. Feeling irritated, the three priests went to the club manager to complain. The manager told them that the slow golfers were blind. “It takes them more time,” he said. “Please be patient.”

The Franciscan was mortified. He got down on his knees and begged God’s forgiveness for his anger. The Dominican was also chagrined. He repented of his impatience, and vowed to do more to help the poor and disabled.

However, the Jesuit wasn’t impressed. He asked the manager, “why don’t you make them play at night?”

Who’s the Greatest?A Franciscan and a Dominican were debating whose order was the greater. After months of arguing, they decided to ask God for an answer when they died. Years later, they met in heaven and went to God’s throne to resolve their old disagreement. God seemed a bit puzzled about the question and told them he would reply in writing a few days later. After much deliberation, God sent the following letter:

My sons,

Please stop bickering about such trivial matters. Both orders are equally great and good in my eyes.

Sincerely,

God, SJ

Power FailureA Franciscan, a Dominican, and a Jesuit were sitting in a room when the lights went out. The Franciscan said, “My brothers, let us take this opportunity to consider the debt we owe to our sister, the light.” The Dominican said, “Yes, but let us also take this opportunity to contemplate the difference between light and dark.” Meanwhile, the Jesuit went to the basement, found the fuse box, and reset the breaker.
SharingA Jesuit and a Franciscan sat down to dinner, after which pie was served. There were two pieces of pie, one small and the other large. The Jesuit reached over and took the larger piece for himself. The Franciscan remonstrated, “St. Francis always taught us to take the meaner piece.” The Jesuit replied, “And so you have it.”