As an undergraduate student, I often found myself in deep, spiritual conversations. We’d talk about the nature of God, the future of relationships, and our vocational paths. Part and parcel with such conversations was the handwringing—literal and spiritual—that accompanies any sort of big question. Am I doing this right? Am I on the right path? Does any of this really matter?
That’s just college life. It’s a time for big questions, for persistent wondering, and for strangers to gather in community as fellow seekers. But I often saw my role as the one who had answers and could offer solutions. That’s not an unusual temptation; after all, who among us doesn’t want to solve problems, fix things, and show the way?
It would take me a long time and many years in my own committed relationship before I finally recognized and understood my mistake. I wasn’t called to fix anyone; I was called to accompany. This is likely not a novel insight, hard-won though it was. But here’s the important, missing piece: I’m called to accompany others…where?
I have been reading a book by the Vietnamese Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh, who encourages the practice of compassionate listening. Integral to this practice is the answer to my question: Through compassionate listening, we accompany one another to healing and wholeness.
We are all plagued by suffering in some form or another. For Thich Nhat Hanh, compassionate listening allows us to gain some relief from that suffering. We do not listen to another’s struggle in order to provide a solution or quick fix; rather, we listen so as to give other people the opportunity to express all that burdens them. Then, through our presence and our mindful and attentive listening, we let them know that they have a companion who journeys alongside them in our shared quest for peace and wholeness.
This is the work of spiritual direction. Despite the name, the spiritual director does not direct anyone’s spiritual path. Instead, the director journeys alongside, offering insight and wisdom, some glimpses of where the road might be going, and, most importantly, an honest reflection of our spiritual journey so far. A spiritual reflector may be a better name; certainly, spiritual companion is appropriate. Regardless of title, the spiritual director accompanies us toward God, who desires our healing and wholeness.
While spiritual directors necessarily go through training and study, this work of journeying alongside one another and practicing compassionate listening belongs to all of us. We all find ourselves in conversations of great importance with our colleagues, our children, our friends, our family, or our significant others.
And we all want to be the hero! We want to have the answers. We fall back into that spiritually immature college-version of ourselves, the sort that wants to give answers rather than walk together into solutions and offers bandages instead of a reimagining of life.
But the world is not so easy, not so cut and dry. We know this. As God draws us deeper into the mystery of ourselves, of creation, and of our shared humanity, we know that things are anything but simple.
So let’s practice compassionate listening. Let’s bear witness to one another’s struggles and sufferings. Let’s commit to walking together, trusting that the more we listen and the more we seek out healing and wholeness, the closer we are to God’s dream.
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