The Wet Examen Card

I got to know St. Ignatius many years ago, at about 5:30 a.m., when a sopping wet Examen card was stuck to the side of the washing machine. Annoyed at myself for not staying up late to change loads nor checking pockets before doing laundry, I peeled the laminated card from the washer drum, wiped off the excess water, and read the first line, “God, I believe that I am in your presence and you are loving me.”

I stopped a moment and looked around for God, wondering where I would see him among the piles of dirty laundry. Feeling a little panicked, thinking that this was no place for God, I wondered if I should tidy up to make space for him. Instead, tears filled my eyes as I imagined a loving God there with me while I was hurrying to get a load of school pants dried before my boys awoke.

Finding the Examen that day created a curiosity in me that I could not shake. I was familiar with this prayer since my boys attended a Jesuit high school—explaining the Examen card stuck to the washer. It was both wonderful and terrifying to imagine that God was with me in every mundane task of every day, during the best moments and my worst ones too.

I imagined God right beside me as I drove carpool and washed dishes. I cringed at what he must think about me losing my temper and being cranky for things not working out how I had planned. I talked to God about being a wife and mother, and I reminded him that my children were his first, and I could use all the help I could get.

I began to talk to God when my eyes opened in the morning, thanking him for everything and discussing my plans for the day, especially things that were going to be hard. We talked at the end of the day, when I reflected on what went well and where I needed to make amends if I had done something hurtful to someone.

The first line of the Examen reminds me that God is not necessarily in a place, but every place, and his first response to me is always love. I have also learned that there are times when I cannot feel God at all or find him near me, especially when I am deep in conflict or trying to control everything. But inevitably when I settle down to pray and look back through the hard times, I see that God was there right beside me carrying me through difficulties. After all, God is steadfast and loving, and nothing will ever change that.

Since that day I found the Examen card, I have begun to understand what St. Ignatius had in mind when he gave us the Examen, especially as I have grown from a mother to a grandmother. I still talk to God and plan our day together, and I know he will be with me throughout the day. I thank God for the little things that touch my heart, like finding my grandson’s clothes in my washing machine after fun days, and I still talk to God about my children, especially now that they are grown and have lives of their own. God and I have shared many tears of worry and happiness as I continue to find the willingness to surrender my life to him. And as I grow older and get to experience more of this life, I will always remember that no matter what happens, I am always in the presence of God, who is loving me.