I Tried to Hide

Psalm 139 always makes me a little nervous. The psalmist begins: “O LORD, you have searched me and known me. / You know when I sit down and when I rise up.” (Psalm 139:1–2) As I type this line, I am lazily sitting slumped in a chair next to my standing desk, suddenly quite aware of God’s probing eyes. Then the psalmist continues: “Even before a word is on my tongue, O LORD, you know it completely.” (4) For 16 beautiful and challenging lines, the psalmist unpacks how well God knows everything about me without me saying a single word.

God knows everything. Everything we think. Everything we want to say but don’t. Everything we say in secret and later regret. Everything.

It should be comforting. God already knows everything. But still, I struggle to be truly vulnerable with God.

This fall I started courses towards obtaining my graduate certificate in spiritual direction. I don’t know what I thought the courses would be like, but they are incredibly introspective so far. It turns out that to direct others well in their spiritual lives, I first have to know myself and my own relationship with God really well.

So what am I afraid of showing God?

I also have to be willing to let God take the full journey alongside me. This is the hardest part so far. I don’t know why. If I take Psalm 139 seriously, the psalmist drills into me that God knows every bit of my life already. So what am I afraid of showing God? It should be no big deal!

Maybe it will become easier if I give it time. If I keep coming back again and again to God with my arms wide open, perhaps I will trust the relationship even more. After all, that is what I am hoping for those I direct in the future, that they may come to trust that God’s love knows no bounds.

For one of my courses, I have to write something creative every week based on the themes of a book we are reading. I have found myself writing poetry most weeks, and the following is a poem I wrote after reading the sentence, “No one can run or hide from God.” It’s about Psalm 139, my fears about laying everything in front of God, and the futility of running from Someone who will never stop searching for and finding me.

I tried to hide
from you today.

I drove
to the busiest store
at the busiest hour
just to lose myself
in the largest of crowds.

But still,
you found me.

I tried to hide
from you today.

I worked
on the pressing challenges
of my ever-growing lists
just to lose myself
in my most important work.

But still,
you found me.

I tried to hide
from you today.

I focused
on the biggest piles
in the messiest rooms
just to lose myself
in the smallest of wins.

But still,
you found me.

I didn’t want you to.

Not today, Lord.
Not today.

Because…
I’d rather grief
be tomorrow’s problem.

Because…
I’d rather hope
be tomorrow’s solution.

I didn’t want you to.
Not today, Lord.

But you,
You didn’t
pay me
any mind.

Because…
You know
I am nothing

Because…
You know
I have nothing

Because…
You know
I can be nothing

If your hand
is not resting
in mine.

Image by ambermb from Pixabay.